Courage

Hello everyone.

There's always this big talk that life is hard which has always been that way. I myself have had an unimaginable amount of challenges even from my autism diagnosis at the age of 5 and having a greatly hard time breaking into society throughout my time growing up but if problems I faced kept popping up, I got to the point I don't want to take anymore of this so then I made big changes to get me out. And usually, autistic people don't always cope with change but at times, changes are more necessary. And all this takes courage which I'll be covering.

This idea of this post came about when at Boxing Day last year, I bought myself a memoir by the latest Richmond football player Jack Riewoldt titled The Bright Side.

As I've been reading this book, Jack gives out the whole load of details about his life growing up in Tasmania and growing his long sporting pedigree which has run in his family. It was a lot to take in as I read through the chapters but I've been mesmerised as well with various situations and moments of growth to become a player to be reckoned with. 

But then, he has been struck with hurdles in this book with one of his brothers not pursuing any more sports as he kept getting injured. That was back when they were younger boys. He even had a skin cancer scare but worst still, his cousin Maddie was gravely ill with bone marrow failure syndrome until her death and then on, both Jack and his cousin Nick who played for St Kilda initiated a match dedicated to her every season. The Maddie Riewoldt Foundation has been launched later with the aim to research and help cure bone marrow failure syndromes to potentially save more lives.

But on the big positives, Jack has been picked by the Richmond Football Club since 2006 and played his first game at Dreamtime at the G' against Essendon at the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) in the 2007 season. Throughout his career, there had been some seriously bad defeats Richmond had copped but Jack with his other fellow players built up and patched up their playing styles to play good matches and win them. And towards his retirement in 2023, he has enabled Richmond to win 3 premierships and certainly made the football team another one to be reckoned with.

But that's with people who are dedicated sports people which has always been a big piece of Australian culture. What about people who aren't as typically Australian and maybe on the autism spectrum? Someone like me? That's what I'll talk about now.

So as I was growing up, being in high school was very hard as I've had feelings of not performing well and not able to click with other students. And I've never dated anyone. The bullying and relentless dramas I had to endure was so bad that I can remember when I was 18, I wanted to move to Melbourne as I was done but other told me not to but later, I've discovered it's a worthy choice.

Since I've finished school, I was very insecure. Even when I've studied Certificate II in Multimedia at TAFE alongside Year 12, I felt uncertain about meeting people and after being bullied and not understood at all, it had certainly affected my mentality badly. Eventually, I've mingled with a few people and sort of building up a good feeling of bonding. The bigger part however is when I've revealed my autism in front of a group of students back when I was studying Certificate IV in Screen and Media at the Yallourn TAFE. And then, I went on doing that a few times later.

Once I've stopped studying, another hurdle appeared. I couldn't figure out how to meet people so then I came up with an idea that was very out of my comfort zone which was to go to a pub by myself. My parents weren't too supportive as they believed people in pubs get drunk but at the same time, I've had no other ideas. I wasn't keen on groups as they have particular interests and fearing of being left out. I was even going to young adults bible study nights. It was strange how some people think I'll become a Christian but religion has never been my thing and sadly, I wasn't growing the way I want to.

So with the relentless attempts to make friends in West Gippsland too hard, I have decided to give up and make my move towards Melbourne in 2018.

Firstly with my enrollment with my then employment agency, I requested to be transitioned to the Narre Warren branch, I hoped for better job prospects but hadn't been much of the case. Eventually, I kept going how I needed to get a job in the area but it's hard when case managers didn't understand until they needed  to put more effort. Eventually, I got a job cleaning houses with other cleaners until lockdown came in during the first Covid pandemic. 

But then, I worked at the Magic Hand Car Wash in Cranbourne North for a few months until I've transitioned to a new job at Southern Euro in Dandenong South. They've offered me a job trial in spare parts but wasn't successful after 2 months.

So back at another car wash but in the south of Berwick and I've been recruited at Repco. I started off at the Doveton store and along with Southern Euro, I've applied for a job myself without any input from my employment agency previously. It was good that I've been successful at getting my job at Repco and to finally end my chapter washing cars. That was back in 2021.

With my need to move out from my parents, I've decided to make my start applying for a rental and astonishingly with one unit in Pakenham I've looked at, I've been accepted as a tenant which I'm greatly surprised. Although it was good to have a home, there has had been challenges even pushed financially. There was a time Centrelink stopped my Disability Support Pension back when I was working 4 days a week but wasn't ready. That was greatly upsetting big time. I was sort of scrambling to seek extra employment as well as the current store under new management reducing me to working twice a week.

But fortunately, I called the Cranbourne Repco store for extra shifts and so far, I've struck some luck. And better still but daunting at first, I was able to better learn tasks at the counter serving customers doing sales, answering phone calls, using their Smartcat system to look for parts in customers' cars along with oils and fluids and I've also done some delivery driving as well. I felt better working in that store with the load of satisfaction I gave to the managers. And with that, I made do without the pension for 8 months. It's satisfying for me working 5 days a week which would be like a full-time job pretty much. But then, I was no longer needed and then I went back to Centrelink to get my Disability Support Pension reinstated.

And then, I've still had the hard task of meeting people. Even when I started living in Pakenham, there are no dedicated social groups or events and Facebook was pretty much my own resort but is still hard when people don't seem to want to talk and consider being my new friend. Eventually as I'm putting myself out and also talking to some colleagues, there have been baby steps and even better is to look at what I'm in to or any hobbies which other people enjoy doing.

With art, I've started going to an arts hub in Berwick called the South East Contemporary Arts Network (SECAN) and then going to monthly meetings. And then, an employee at the Bunjil Place who I've met allowed me to further claw myself into the community via art. As I went there in the gallery, Leah who's the employee allowed me to have a look at the artworks and then, I told her I've been doing paintings and we've talked a bit about our background. After that, Leah went on my side to get my art out and came up with artist run initiative galleries in which they promote new artists.

And then, I've paid a visit to Kapi Art Space up in the Dandenong Ranges to show the managing director my 3 latest paintings. We came to the agreement I should pursue having my own art exhibition.

With my latest art project I'm currently doing, this will be dedicated to courage. It came about in last month's SECAN meeting when we're giving a word of the month and then do an art piece and the word was courage. I took that challenge, titled the work 'A Young Battler' and then doing a load of research on courage to put in the canvas.

As I've researched courage, these are the notes I've put down.

*    Having a voice and saying no

*    Loving yourself

*    Standing up for yourself

*    Letting go and forgiving

*    Self responsibility

*    Asking questions

*    Setting goals

*    Courage to show compassion

*    Standing up

*    Hand out displaying a 'no' signal

*    Leaving bad troubles

And with these to mention and some series of sketches, I've been able to get the picture and proceed painting.

But more of that on the next post.

With cars, it's also a new frontier. There's not much problem knowing various cars but working on them is a new thing. One of my friends told me that working on cars is a great way to meet people but it hasn't been entirely straight forward. I was able to work on my second car which was a 2006 Holden Astra hatchback but earlier, I thought up of doing a project car as something on my bucket list.

In terms of finding people who are into it, I went to the Pakenham Auto Club and it wasn't too bad getting to know some people there. Along with some Repco employees along with Cody being handy and Stuart who's helped me one time, I came across the My Unique Rides car group and I've attended their cars and coffee meet in Clayton South. So far, it's been a better experience and eventually I would become another tribe member. It still sucks in a way I don't have a project car which'll create a bigger impact in those kinds of car meets but what I can do in my 2022 Ford Puma ST Line is to go on drives which I'll do later this month.

With all this, I have made a lot of achievements despite a load of troubles with work, not finding my way easily in my new lifestyle and not able to know a lot of people as well as living with some insecurities. What matters is I've been able to grow courage. All I wanted when I was young is to live life like anyone else. I was fortunate to have my unit for 2 years and a month until I had to move into the sharehouse. It was a hard decision but eventually, I settled myself and thought about not giving up. Rather than opting to move back to my parents in Neerim South, I came up with a new plan of attack which is to build up my savings account and when satisfied, I'll look to move into a bigger rental but with a room mate. I realise that living by myself is too hard but I've discovered there are more family sized houses for rent and having a room mate who'll contribute to rent would be a greatly better option to consider. And better still with a second garage space, I can utilise it to work on cars. I was hoping to share a workshop with someone but had no luck. And a rental with 2 car garages eliminates this problem.

In terms of employment, I came up with an idea since last year to get a full-time job at JB HIFI for something fresh and new. Having some extra counter service skills have helped me boost confidence I hadn't imagined and extra skills I can transfer will help me go to better stores to work after some times of turmoil I've been in when employed at Repco. Although it has been a new experience pursuing work at the new avenue, I've gone as far as a job interview. Eventually, I'll get better.

With my current psychiatrist, I've been grateful to have him. As well as counselling sessions with a psychologist in which she's knocked out anxiety and depression, I've been off my psychotic medication which is 40 mg lurasidone for a month and a half. I've been pleased that both the psychiatrist and myself agreed to stop the medication and felt better ever since. And no hint of schizophrenia whatsoever.

My next task is to convince my doctor I don't have schizophrenia. With enough ammunition, I'll request my psychiatrist to do a letter on how I've been managing, send it to my doctor and hopefully, he'll finally learn. And so for my psychiatrist appointments, my hope is to close them up. 

And still, there's the matter of society having to deal with autistic people or not and reflecting my terrible past moments, I feel it'll need to be dealt with.

After seeing this article 'How the Rise of Autism and ADHD Fractured Australia's Schools', I was disturbed and then decided printing out web pages to show to people including my psychiatrist and also my doctor. Here's the link to the article here.

How the rise of autism and ADHD fractured Australia’s schools (msn.com)

I was able to fight my way out over the recent years and in a way able to fit in. There have been people to understand where I come from and be on my side. Although it takes time and effort to get people to understand, it'll be worth it. I have established myself I have no disability and although I've had issues, I overcame them. I found strengths and have an ability to claw my way especially around Melbourne. I didn't have to go to any disability groups or let alone be on the NDIS. A lot of the times I take matters into my own hands and that ladies and gentlemen takes courage.

And even my parents and other family members took notice. My mum one time told me that there are people who are good at moaning and I'll agree. Where there are people who don't believe I'll achieve anything and my goals are impossible. Even moving to new places will be more trouble than it's worth get me thinking they don't have enough courage. Or none.

Even though life is always hard, doing nothing won't solve anything. I have made many right decisions and have the fighting spirit I much needed and also get an opportunity to have a purpose in life. It's been devastating how people on tough times resort to giving up on life and can be lost to suicide. I've been pleased to change my life around and anyone shall be inspired afterwards. I like to think of the Super Smash Bros on Nintendo 64 with the situation when a player is defeated then given an option to continue or not.

But being a Richmond supporter although taking a break from following football, it would be honourable to keep possession of my Richmond mug especially how Jack Riewoldt came and helped the team to their journey of greatness.

See you next time!